Below
is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The
bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
December 24, 2014
Dear Sir/Madam:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing
my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary,
an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded
faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your
chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field
even further. Press buttons as
follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing
payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint
or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
10. This is a second reminder to press (*) for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Xx Xx
And remember:
Don’t make old people
mad.
We don’t like being old in the first place, so doesn’t take much to p**s us off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glossary
to bounce (a check) = (of a bank) to
return (a check)
to endeavor = to try to, attempt
plumber = a
person that fits and repairs the pipes, fittings and other apparatus of water
supply, sanitation or heating systems = fontanero
nanosecond = one
thousand-millionth of a second, a very short time
to elapse = (of time) to pass, go by
to honor a check = to cash ANTONYM bounce
to be commended = to be praised,
congratulated, applauded
to seize = to grab, grasp, capture, take
possession of
thankfulness =
gratitude and relief
to spring - sprang - sprung = to appear
suddenly, pop up
to rethink = to consider, assess
errant (financial
ways) = disobedient, erring, deviant
whereas = while,
in contrast or comparison with the fact that
overcharging (entity)
= cheating, demanding high payment
pre-recorded =
recorded on tape in advance
faceless (entity) =
impersonal, remote
to deal with sb = to treat sb, handle, be
concerned with
flesh-and-blood person = a person's physical body
mortgage = hipoteca
loan = lending,
sth borrowed
repayment = an amount
of money paid back
therefore = for that
reason
hereafter = from now
on, after this, as of now, from this day forth
to be aware that... = to be conscious of,
acquainted with, mindful of, familiar with
an offense = an illegal act, infraction of
the law, transgression, fault
Postal
Act = a piece of United States federal legislation that
established the United States Post Office Department. It was signed into law by
President George Washington in 1792
to run to (eight pages) = to extend to or
reach (a specified size)
to countersign = to add a signature to a
document already signed by another person
income = gains,
turnover, money received, earnings = ingresos
assets =
property, resources, possessions, estate, belongings = activos
liabilities =
debts, financial obligations = pasivos
in due course = at
the appropriate time
to issue sb with (a number) = to supply,
provide, equip, fit out
to quote (a number) = to mention, cite
to regret = to be sorry about sth, feel
apologetic about
to model sth on = to use sth as an example to follow or imitate
flattery = praise,
adulation, fawning
to level the playing field = to give
everyone a fair and equal chance of succeeding
further = more,
additionally, to a greater extent
to query = to ask, question
1 through 7 =
from 1 to 7, up to and including
complaint = protest,
objection
inquiry =
question, query
(to be) put on hold = to be waiting to be
connected while making a telephone call
pending = awaiting
decision or settlement, unresolved
a lengthy (wait) = long, protracted,
prolonged, extended
uplifting (music) =
inspiring, stirring, encouraging
regrettably =
unfortunately
to levy (a fee) = to impose, charge,
demand, tax
fee = payment,
remuneration, tariff, charge
the setting up =
the organization, arrangement
ever-so-slightly = just a bit, not so much
to make sb mad = to irritate, annoy, make
angry
to piss sb off = to annoy sb
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